My personal motto- emphasis on WE

Organics/GM foods...

Does anyone wonder why in the United States there is so little press about organic foods? I mean outside of advertising that certain products are in a store near you? The rest of the world is doing back flips to stay away from genetically modified foods and filing law suits against Monsanto for polluting the rice with GM crops, yet you rarely hear a conversation about such things here in the US… thought it is not because food is not an obsession by many here, that’s for sure.

Anyway read this today:
The worst offenders of pesticide residues: peaches. Followed by: apples, sweet bell peppers, celery, nectarines, strawberries, cherries, pears, imported grapes, spinach, lettuce, and potatoes.
Richard Wiles, Environmental Working Group: "Those are some of the most contaminated with pesticides where you should buy organic."
It's a special concern for parents. Studies indicate children may be more vulnerable to toxins in pesticides
From : http://www.ksl.com/?nid=200&sid=610141

It is already after 5 and I have so much to do., The blessed baby is asleep for a while and I actually had 4 hours of sleep in a row last night! Praise God! It still wasn’t enough sleep but I will take what I can get! Woo hoo!

The homeschooling is done for the day. I could feel my patience wearing. Volcanos, counting money, reading and writing, rocks. We are earth bound in our studies- money and dirt. Tomorrow we make a volcano. How fun! I hope we have a good time doing it. The girls really enjoy hands-on work.

Tonight I need to make a stationary package and finish the website. I am currently procrastinating for a few minutes of venting here before I make dinner. My mind is overwhelmed, as it may be from the craziness of this day. Tomorrow is no better.
Tomorrow is busy- we are doing what I have felt called to do more of- service. The 4 of us will go to serve dinner to a family we know mourning the death of a father. We will serve them food. Interesting to me how easy it is to feed people. I love it. I really take to heart what Jesus told Peter “Feed my sheep.” Sweet. THAT I can do. I may not have the right words to make anyone feel any better, but I hope my presence there and my FOOD will do the talking for me as I empathize with their loss. After that I pick up the organic produce, then school a bit, then tap and ballet, then quick home for boy scouts. I am tired thinking about it… HA! Not by my power though, right?

sidelined

So I did it. I said no to money. Well, not actually real money that someone would be handing me- for free. It was money that I would have to work for. I wanted to say yes. I had already spent the money 50 ways.

I had to say no.

It all started when a friend, an acquaintance really, who called to tell me about the business she and her husband were starting. They needed a website- could I do one for them? I met with them and their cronies at my home around the kitchen table with my portfolio within an arms reach should they ask to see it.

The baby sat quietly.

For 10 minutes. At the ten minute mark she decides that she is hungry. VERY hungry. The screaming begins. I desperately try and focus on this business of theirs. I talk a little louder, try bouncing her on my knee to quiet down the agony. This may have only served to titillated, pardon the expression, or create even more ire for her. (Did I mention that 3 of the 5 people in the room were men?) At this point I am thanking God for padded bras that might hide any escaping milk. I excused myself to my laundry folding area behind a door (also known as a family room, not one for my clients to see) and tried to give the blessed child just a nip… a little dab’ll do ya kinda thing. No beans. She SCREAMED when I pulled her away from me. I was sweating it now. They were waiting for me in the dining room. Tick, tick, tick. The woman comes in- offers to walk the baby around- outside. I accept, exasperated. I am annoyed that my dear one, my dearest, sweetest, long-awaited and treasured child is daring to act her age.

It was then that I knew. I was crazy. I simply could not be upset with this cherished child of mine. She knew and was trying to tell me what I was: stark-raving-outta-my-mind-mad to try and maintain this business while homeschooling, having a teeny one, supporting my husbands business, and general household duties with 6 kids not to mention leading a weekly church home group. Like, mama didn’t raise no fool…. SO WHY WAS I SITTING HERE WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I returned to the meeting. Do I disengage now? I decided not now. I would call. Offer to do a small amount to set them on their feet. But no full blown month-long project.

I would not be upset at a baby for being a baby when I was the one who needed to swallow my pride, see the writing on the wall and otherwise extract myself from activities that did not directly contribute to the support and running of this large family.

I guess the business, really the lack there of, but even the possibility of accepting business to turn a profit and learn more about things outside of this home was my last bastion of independence. I like design. I love to interface with people, learn what they need, help contribute to the growth of the business, help them realize a dream. It is one part of my life that has remained constant in the upheaval since kids came. I have invested many years in nurturing this “baby.” I am sad to see another part of “me” pushed to the margins for the family’s greater good. I think of St. Paul when he discusses dying to oneself so that God can grow greater in us. Perhaps this is part of that. Losing that prideful bragging right, But there isn’t time for it now. Later? Perhaps. I can’t help but feel like God may be leading me elsewhere, but it is a handy tool to have in my skill set should I need to call on it later.

In the meantime I will be here, blogging about today, tomorrow and yesterday.

To be a bit more approximate

To be a bit more approximate- not so confined to the daily grind/ Not that my day is ever predictable, on the contrary. But, nonetheless, the grind remains, yes?

… I would like to be whisked away somewhere new to me and shiny with possibilites- come with me on fantasyland, to- say gay Paris. There I will be with my true love, nibbling croissants and inhaling espresso, sipping ridiculous amounts of wine, and have passionate… kisses. Bisou, bisou… In this fantasy world where the sun does not set until absurd hours of the night, we will walk the streets, talk to adventurers, indulge in all things art, ride bicycles and experience euphoria. Just a wee tiny escape… thanks for indulging me…

out of the bag

I went through a dead woman’s clothes today. As I reached into the black trash bag, pulling out carefully folded clothes that were then unceremoniously dumped into the crinkly plastic blackness, I thought about who she must have been. I have never met the woman, though evidently we wear the same size. I saw from her clothes that she likes nice things- Talbots, Chicos, but that she was not afraid to purchase clothes from WalMart. She liked casual, unstructured living judging from the amount of shorts and cotton shirts. I imagine her to be a practical woman, in touch with her self as she was not wearing these clothes to impress anyone, though I imagine they suited her.

She died from cancer. Quickly. Within 6 months of diagnosis her body was made ready for the cremator. While I am not personally a fan of such a way to leave my body after my soul has returned home, it does bring the full circle notion of from dust we have come and to dust we shall return.

I think I can learn a little from the contents of this black trash bag.. I will be true to myself- some things I wouldn’t be caught dead in, despite the fact that I might first be found naked, as I do not have the funds to purchase new clothes. But I will keep what I can to wear carefully with my own accessories to make it my own style- and for free- using what I have. I will be practical and return things that are not to my taste to the trash bag’s dark depths for someone else to wear. I wonder whether they too will ponder the whereabouts of the previous owner as I have. Whether she is in her glory, or in her hell? Will the next person to plumb the insides of this bag be grateful or ashamed of its “preowned” status? Or will it simply be a matter of course to them- their pride not a stumbling block as it sometimes can be for me; of little consequence that their style is not reflected in the stitches on their body?

Carefully I place the bag, only half full now, in the back of my car, ready for the next stage of its journey for another soul to explore.

goings on upstairs....

At first I thought it was an extreme case of flatulence. But no, the sound continued- and in some cases louder than the one before- nature wouldn’t allow such things…

Then I thought perhaps someone was moving furniture on the floor above….

Alas- no. It was a trombone. And an aspiring trombonist. Slowly the sounds were less aberrations of nature and became ever so slightly more definite- though I would not go so far as to say musical. My sweet boy came down, imitating in rhythm, if not in tone the song his idol, his father, had demonstrated for him on the instrument. His cheeks puffed out, the trombone glinting on his shoulder dwarfing his frame as his arms extended to their utmost to illicit a sound from the thing. God bless his little self…

10 Years Ago...
1. I was 21 and getting ready to go to art school after leaving a large school in Virginia
2. had moved back home
3. In a sad place emotionally and feeling lonely
4. waited tables for cash
5. excited to finally really do art with people who knew it
6. didn't trust God or know that he wanted me to know Him

5 Years Ago...
1. I had twin 3 year olds who were darlings…
2. I had just met the man of my dreams and we were “telling people” that we were getting married in October
3. I was getting to know 3 sweet children that I would soon be sharing my life and home with
4. God loves me!?? Still coming to that realization...
5. I was very involved in my church community and played bass in the band
6.Loved doing graphic design, hated leaving my babies to be cared for by someone else


Yesterday...
1. couldn’t sleep after being awakened to nurse at 5 am
2. baked a caramel cake from Maya Angelo’s recipe book- had it iced by 7:30 am
3. Got 6 kids dressed and went to church- all 8 of us sliding into a pew
4. Drove in a landboat with my husband at the helm to see his grandparents in Pennsylvania
5. hurriedly nursed a baby off of interstate 95 in the front seat during a potty stop
6. spoke with a woman in her 80’s who inspires me to be kinder, gentler, more loving- not to worry so much about my selfish goals for this life but to think eternally



Snacks I Like...
1. Favorite all time late afternoon snack: chip and salsa with a side of negro modelo beer (bonus with my guac. if I have made it)
2. crackers with mayo and cheddar cheese
3. veggies with dip
4. smartfood popcorn
5. dark chocolate
6. cup of creamy coffee
7. smoked or wasabi flavored almonds

5 Songs I Know All the Words To (there are so many for Opera in the car time, but here are a few…)
1. Closer to Fine- Indigo Girls
2. Reedemer- Nicole C. Mullen
3. Gambler- Kenny Rodgers
4. Steve Miller, Crosby, Stills and Nash- all of them I feel like!
5. A tisket a tasket- Ella Fitzgerald

If I Had A Million Dollars....
1. pay off house and school loans
2. save for kids college (of course at this point there would not even be enough money for this… after including #1)
3. addition on the house
4. travel to France for a few weeks of love with my husband

5 Things I Would Never Wear...
1. Plaid pants
2. shaved short hair
3. any graphic alluding to death or guns
4. fluorescent shorts
5. hose with open toe shoes


Favorite TV Shows...
1. Anything on HGtv
2. The Bernie Mac show
3. Underwater documentary type shows
4. Travel channel
5. ER (long ago when it was good, ditto for Friends)

The air is soft with humidity. This week marks the turn toward fall that you wouldn’t know if you were only looking at the temperature gauge- you need to use your ears. When you exit the house in search of a little peace you find that you have entered a large scale, almost deafening performance. The crickets are screaming in the August air tonight. If not for the crickets I don’t think that I would believe the calendar that it is already the end of summer.

It’s been one of those days when I wish I had seventy more hands to pair with at least half of all the hats I wear. My feeble mind simply cannot keep up with all that is going on, has gone on, and I can only barely consider what WILL go on in just a few short weeks. To think that again I will be teaching and caring for a newborn is almost more that I can handle- at least from this vantage tonight. But tomorrow brings another morning full of possibilities (and hopefully not too much chaos).

I am in need of encouragement for this homeschooling thing. I am both excited and anxious about the continuing of a very difficult thing. I don’t doubt that this is not for everyone- I question how God thought us suited to do it. But He did, and we are.

In the sunlight
in the kitchen
on an ordinary afternoon
a man and a baby greet nose to nose

no “spectacular spectacular”
no unique verbiage exchanged
but the look of love
and the response in kind; smiling

a dream is realized
a circle unbroken
God’s great gift to me
Tiny, daily moments of shining clarity

A prayer raised to heaven
A hope whispered loudly
Little-girl words asking of God
Big-time requests for a new sibling

From mother to daughter
From father to son
Faith embraced and passed carefully
In tiny moments over any ordinary day

This compiled over the week past my due date:

You Know You’re Overdue When:

At the O.B.’s office your aim into the cup is dead center

You use your insurance card so often that you attempt to use it as a debit card at Target by mistake

You waste no time in making shoe selections for the day: you are limited to the 2 pairs of flip flops that barely fit…

You eye all weather reports with temps above 70 degrees as WAY too hot…

Your maternity clothes are all too tight

You choose clothes at night for the following day just in case you go into labor over night

Every morning you wake up and think “Well, last night wasn’t the night- it MUST be today!!”

Your bag for the hospital mysteriously starts to creep closer to the front door

Your incoming phone calls and emails all begin with “Have you had the baby yet???”

Your bathing suit leers at you from the depths of the closet

You feel entitled to chocolate at breakfast, and every other meal

You no longer feel vaguely guilty about purchasing 2 pints of ice cream at a time

You start to remember all the bizarre baby names and their meanings without trying hard

While at the ob you bump your belly on the vertical stand of the scale

You read and reread what signs of labor are just in case you’ve missed it…

You convince yourself that you ARE indeed in labor… just like last week…

back

One day, I will not be as exhausted as this and will be mourning the loss of infant sized clothing. Today, however, is a tired day, a full and fullfilling day, but one where I stare longingly at my pillow and desire a re-introdcution.

I think it might go something like this:

Me: Hi- my name is Tired Mom- I couldn't help but notice you from across this crowded room- I'd really like to cuddle up to you- if that is okay with you, that is.

Pillow: Hiya- I'm flattered- really- it's just that those circles under your eyes- well it put me off a little, and, like- when was the last time ya did your hair? Brushed your teeth? Sorry- but there are other sweeties I would rather have cuddle up to me....

Me: but like- you don't understand- I am a crazed mom of a newborn- like I NEED YOU- like I've never needed anything before- disregard my exterior- I would sleep solidly if not disturbed!!

Pillow: But your're the kind that gets up in the middle of the night- walks around- talks in strange sounds, keeps checking on small people for breathing like somkinda manic- you are SO not my type- heck, you are even inclined to jam me under your elbow to help you breast feed! Like- dude... how rude.

Me: You're right, I am not your type... maybe in a few weeks I will introduce myself again...

wild roses

a sweet fragrance
lingers in the air
my thoughts linger on a time
when wild roses bloomed.

it seemed just yesterday
a clearer picture could not be painted
when my heart was given
during the time of the rose

wild and rambling it was
rooted, and abundantly chaotic
full of both brambles and beauty
we gorged ourselves on infatuation

drunk on each other,
“obsessive” too kind a word
we feverishly, passionately
discovered one another

agonizing and enthralling
delicious love bloomed alongside the roses
reason and candor be damned
nothing could stop the buds from bursting forth

passing years do not still
the butterflies roused upon
detection of the sweet, musky scent
of the lovely, wild, roses

wishing for beach time...

I am crazed to get to the beach for some reason! I guess I am in need of a little perspective building- I have been a wee bit caught up in my own microcosm of homeschool, baby to come, bible studies, design work, household management and relationship building with all the many loves of my life… NOW I WANT BEACH! To make it even worse I have been listening to the waves on a sound machine of all things and actually pretending that I am there… hahahahahhahhhahahahahharrrharrhar! Silly girl… I had actually entertained ideas of heading to the beach around this time when I wasn’t aware of how pregnant I would feel. Now I realize what a farce it is to be too far from the hospital. I’ve included some pics from when I lived briefly in Hawaii… I miss the beauty of the people and nature… there is also one from when my awesome husband and I were in LA of Santa Monica Pier from our hotel room... love the left coast...

porch swingin'

forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing
hand holdin’
dream rakin’
swingin’ on the swing

today was mighty busy
‘morrow promises the same
but at the end of each day
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

somethin’ ‘bout the porch swing
quiet as can be
don’t interrupt the night dreams
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

draw me close to warm me
close to my sweetheart I will go
my heart thrills and settles in
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

everything is possible
the breeze teases in our ears
our child large inside me
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

visual musings...

It really struck me today what a miracle this world is- that God designed the plants to come up at just the perfect time, that the seasons changing, even if only subtly, are so important to we humans who need to mark their lives within a recognizable framework. Lovely. Every day I am able to grow in confidence and defendable certainty that this life we are given is no accident or a mere mixing of chemicals at a coincidental point in history. God designed this creation with us in mind and for our use.

We did some earth day activities today, one of which where we made rubbings of different tree barks. Such amazing fingerprints for each tree- each unique and magnificent. We incorporated some leaf rubbings as well. Leaves have got to be one of my favorite artifacts in nature.

My daughters just love to be part of the outdoors. They learn experientially the best, so while it is difficult for me to gauge exactly what they have “gotten” out of the different activities that we have participated in, I know that in the very least they have a physical memory and appreciation of where they did it. I am blessed to be such an integral part of these amazing creature’s lives…

It is easy to go overboard with earth day and start to espouse things on global warming that are way over even most adult’s heads. To be free of public schools and the scripted discussions is a wonderful thing, to NOT have my words mimic the prevailing political stance or counter stance on hot topics is key to why we school at home. That said, it is sometimes tempting to use that same language simply to “teach,” forgetting that until that hierarchy in learning is achieved, where the children will be able to make a decision based on the merits of the argument of their own volition, they will just be meaningless words. I have gotten so critical of what I read in the newspapers, on-line and on seen tele programming. I am so distrustful of media in the last 5-10 years as I have gained a bit of personal widom.

Oh to climb a tree again
For the very first time
The unexpected vantage point
The sway and the incline

The rough bark beneath the hand
The open air below
New bugs to meet and sky to see
Careful to move very s l o w

Oh to climb a tree again
The freedom from the ground
Never to see the world the same
A higher perspective found

dirt from the great outside
(from the inside)
not wanted
a filthy windstorm conveys

trying not to get polluted
or dirtied
or sullied
trying to keep clean

my only shield, my protector
as close as I wanna be
watches, waits for me to see
the stained cloth I could cling to

my attention wanders away
no broom that sweeps
no magic Clorox spray
slippery hands grasp things (slip away)

the world glitters and seduces
sparkles and blinds
dazzling sites, sound
caressed pupils widen- ears go deaf

the Living Word only-
sanctifies, revives
cleanes, purifies
all others are stiff bottomless cold lies

His: unsearchable truths
to detox and preserve
to knit and secure
so close- within my hold and my embrace

struggling, struggling as humans do
washing, scrubbing
grasping, pulling
when only His wash and fold will do

on my own, by my own device
smells of rubbish
decay and of death
But He has called me by name-

and washed me white as snow

blueblog/happier things

Easter is here and I am just so exhausted- I have yet to get out the Easter baskets, I am completely distracted by the thoughts of tender shoots of green exploding from the earth- BUT NOT IN MY GARDEN yet because I have not decided what and how to include the beauties in my life with my budget, there is so much to do around the house, so many bible studies to follow along with, so many decisions to make… I am like a huge piece of toast­‑ crispy, dry and lifeless… well until you look at my stomach and see it burgeoning over the normal waistline and realize that I am like 8 months prego… no wonder I am exhausted. Of course I know that the exhaustion will really kick in when the sweet one makes her appearance. Ahahahahah. The irony of life.

Reminds me of a song.. these are a few of my favorite things...listed:

holding hands
watching birds at the bird feeder
margaritas and guacamole
eating al fresco
sitting on my porch swing
sunflowers
the feel of hardwood under my feet
opening the shades in the morning
Chinatown in new york
going to art museums and finding a new artist to follow
seed catalogs in February
babies moving inside my body
sipping red wine while cooking
blues women souling out
zydeco
dancing like a maniac
driving through Louisiana at night over the bayou
French movies
watching children at the playground
the beach- all beaches
jogging through coffee fields
teaching about science to my dds
farmer’s markets
the smell of coffee
homemade bread with butter
fiction based in other lands
researching- love it
HGTV
new sketch book
sharp pencils
new crayons
a gazillion sock in the kid’s drawers- matched and clean
being surprised by a rainbow
church bells
feeling protected
scripture jotted on scraps all around me
british slang words
long hair
scratchy beards
broken-in jeans
old letters
old ladies with red lipstick
talking to old men
asking about people’s lives
reading about how people lived long ago
learning a new instrument
finding a new words
Chotchi
haircuts
swinging high into the sky to touch the clounds
walking after dinner
unexpected guests bearing gifts
God’s providing for us always
ladies sitting around talking about women’s things
planning trips
travel guide books
poetry slam books
historical African American fiction
playing with beads
lurking on other’s blogs
the smell of lavender
clean sheets
unexpected kisses on the neck
perfectly painted toenails
a dog who is always happy to see you
finding parents committed to serving God and dedicated to their kids
anything in Kauai
sketching new places
braids
buying watercolor brushes
shopping with my daughters at boutiques
hanging out with my mom
watching my children with their grandparents
eating sushi with friends over a long time
getting out sweaters and boots for fall
the smell of leaves under foot
hiking and discovering something new always
God seeking me when I am hiding in my own world
my husband smiling at me
taking off in a plane somewhere
hot, hot showers
hot, hot, coffee with real cream
cutting flowers for the table
setting a table for a fun gathering
picking out pumpkins in October
listening to my dad’s police stories
sailing on the bay
scuba diving and snorkeling and seeing new things
pony tails with ribbons
afternoon romps
listening to my kids talk about Jesus
looking at old pictures
holding babies
spicy food
college towns
yarn stores
seeing a printed design project that I made
planning fun things to do for my family
old cooking gadgets
keeping secrets