Another year was survived with the memory of our heaven-resident child. I sensed the date rather then knew it. It was a physical memory. 2 years have past. Though I didn't realize the date I felt a deep sadness. This year a bit easier than last, as the cliché regarding time goes. It is a raw pain, however, and comes up at unexpected and often inconvenient times. I am often surprised by the depth of pain… One tends to think that after a period of time the pain would net be as acute. Perhaps it is that it is not as persistent. One day I shall meet her. The children speak of her several times a week. Interesting the effect of lose of a sibling on those left in this reality. Our family has discussed the advantage of being the first to meet her and would we recognize her? Of course God, the God of details, has all that worked out for us and it is comforting to know that we do not have to be plagued by worries as the writer queried "Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" In the scripture it says that we will have new bodies in heaven. They also ask whether she will look like an adult or remain a baby. Leave it to children to wonder about things that can only be dreamt as no eye has seen those wonders.
I ponder if the reason I can't seem to name the dear one in my womb is because of the name that still haunt my thoughts as the "best" one I could think of. Today I am at 26 weeks. There is now a good chance of survival now, even if she were to arrive today. Amazing grace. That I am here in this way. Prayer has carried me here. Prayers whispered on the lips of children, spilled forth from cracked old lady’s lipsticked lips, prayers spoken in the clipped way of men uncomfortable with praying aloud about such intimacies, and moaned by my husband’s and my aching hearts.
A different scent has invaded the air so different from snow- spring! This spring for me, as a previous spring 8 years ago, holds a great deal of significance. There is a striking difference in me during the shared season separated by years. I am such a different person since my first borns. I am grateful that I am not the same after almost a decade! I think I have a bit more knowledge, am a bit more wise, know my shortcomings much better, am more humbled more frequently. And I have love. Lots more love. Praise God for that. Praise God for my dear husband without whom I would feel lost and who loves me in all of my many seasons. I feel like with love in my heart all things are possible. Matthew 19:26 . I feel like I am actually able to receive and give. I love love!
Spring and I are in synch with each other. As my body ceases to successfully conceal the little life within it so do the trees also shed any appearance of finality, but rather take on a look of significance and anticipation- a new beginning. Buds are blushing and swelling on the ends of branches, promising to burst forth at a time in the future. While these appearances promise and look ahead to a time in the future I am also aware of the importance of staying in the present. There are so many things that involve my presence in the present! I am also aware of how radically everything could change with a baby in the house after such a long period of time with older children. I pray that God is sowing seeds of patience and forbearance in my heart for that time of transition. I think specifically of our youngest and her status and enjoyment in being the baby of the house. I think also of one of our dear ones so concerned that this new sister may not resemble her. How exciting to see the plans that God has for our family!
Detour
Left
The stage is over there
Quick
We must make the 4th Act (the 4th Act? Why so many Acts! How many more?)
If we are not present the show cannot go on
Exit
Missed
The orchestra whines on
Deafening
Stop. Silence fills the darkness (SILENT? Is that even possible?)
A single violin screeches, s c r e a m s
Passenger
Captive
Now a dramatic pause,
Mask On
Back at the 2nd Act (Hadn’t we progressed to the 4th? Where is the program?!)
Meaningless dialog
Lights
Blinding
Darken stage, house lights up
Bewilderment
Spotlights turn hot on our faces (Now wait just a minute here!! ME?)
Waiting for direction
4 Way Stop
Indecision
What are we to do now?
Direction?
Forced ad lib., symantical errors (what are my lines!??)
What Act are we in?
It is ironic that after my last post (my perennial distraction of gardens and spring) it snowed almost 18 inches! HA! This morning as I drove away from the house my children were noticing how glittery and sparkling the snow was. Everything in its season has a beauty unique to it.
The day after the dump came on the East Coast the kids (of course) could not wait to get out in it. After the initial drama of getting 5 kids ready for arctic conditions it was fun to watch them wade through snow that came past their knees. One of our sweet ones is sort of a snowman fanatic, so before she even left the door she was out with her carrots, sticks for arms and prunes for eyes. Finally the new sleds were put to use after waiting in the dry garage since Christmas. Unfortunately, the snow was so high they hardly had a chance to use them to their satisfaction. Hot chocolate and grilled cheese was enjoyed by all- especially by those manly shovelers who worked a great deal that day.
One benefit to snow is the incredible illumination that goes on indoors in the mornings from all the reflected light. It reminds me of the bible verse: Psalm 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Mornings after snows when the sun approaches the horizon and goes on to break through in glorious rays- initially rainbow colored this part of the year- is a treat. It makes the cold mornings feel like a special treat.
Speaking of sun, I noticed how much longer it dallies in the sky before retiring for the night. I have to admit how much I benefit from even and extra 15 minutes! I feel so much more energized!
Like a pioneer woman from the days of old, I am so happy to finally have a bit of land. We have a modest (mortgaged) piece of land here and the idea of spring has got me pretty excited. There are just so many planting opportunities! All the plants that I have looked at longingly I now have an opportunity to become friends with! Yipee!! I would like to plant a prayer garden. (Given that the frost date is less then a month from my due date it may take a great deal of prayer to put ANY such garden in!) HA! Being pregnant and contemplating a garden are redundant. Both anticipate blooms birthing and the need for nurture. Anyway, I am trying to get my list of biblical plants, plants that remind me of my savior and those that are sentimental to me since they were sentimental to family members. My grandmother always had clematis. Deep purple. The purple reminds me of Christ’s majesty. My grandmother was Catholic and Polish and took her religion seriously. I wonder what our conversations would look like if we spoke today. Would we talk about Christ? Do we really share His Spirit? I wonder about the mystery behind Catholicism. The Virgin Mary in particular and her place in Catholicism is so interesting to me. Evidently she was very special to my Aunt Joanne, my Godmother. I wonder why? I never asked. At her death I was asked to lay roses in the niche where the statue of Mary was. I remember feeling confused- why to Mary? Anyway roses will also be included- both for the memory of my Aunt and Grandmother, but also since it reminds me of the crown of thorns, and the entrance of sin into the world in the Garden. I wonder what species of beautiful flower friends I will never meet since the Curse took hold. I imagine that many were displaced as the thorns encroached upon their territory. I will also plant some sort of orchid. Orchids are indigenous on every continent of our blue planet- reminding me of God’s handicraft and that flower serving to testify to its creator. Also I would plant it as my wish for all people to know Him personally. Who knows? Their curiosity could start with just one flower. Other things I plan to plant- Israelites: onions and leeks (flowering) to remind me of their example of humanity. That we always wish for what we can’t have, but that God will provide what we need always. I have no idea where to find hyssop- but it is mentioned in a few key places, especially when Jesus is given sour wine on the end of a hyssop branch at the crucifixion. Thistle, bitter herbs or some sort, bleeding heart, fig, lilies, and butterfly bush will be included and “son” flowers will be sprinkled throughout since I adore them. I like the way sunflowers remind us to keep our eye on the “son” and a heavenly perspective even as we are rooted to the earth. All of creation truly testifies to our great Creator and Sustainer. I love that gardening is a way for me to meditate of Him. Of course it has its frustrations, among them pestilence, dirt, sweat, (sometimes) blood, never enough time or money to do it the way I want, and sometimes even tears…
