2nd year past

Another year was survived with the memory of our heaven-resident child. I sensed the date rather then knew it. It was a physical memory. 2 years have past. Though I didn't realize the date I felt a deep sadness. This year a bit easier than last, as the cliché regarding time goes. It is a raw pain, however, and comes up at unexpected and often inconvenient times. I am often surprised by the depth of pain… One tends to think that after a period of time the pain would net be as acute. Perhaps it is that it is not as persistent. One day I shall meet her. The children speak of her several times a week. Interesting the effect of lose of a sibling on those left in this reality. Our family has discussed the advantage of being the first to meet her and would we recognize her? Of course God, the God of details, has all that worked out for us and it is comforting to know that we do not have to be plagued by worries as the writer queried "Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" In the scripture it says that we will have new bodies in heaven. They also ask whether she will look like an adult or remain a baby. Leave it to children to wonder about things that can only be dreamt as no eye has seen those wonders.

I ponder if the reason I can't seem to name the dear one in my womb is because of the name that still haunt my thoughts as the "best" one I could think of. Today I am at 26 weeks. There is now a good chance of survival now, even if she were to arrive today. Amazing grace. That I am here in this way. Prayer has carried me here. Prayers whispered on the lips of children, spilled forth from cracked old lady’s lipsticked lips, prayers spoken in the clipped way of men uncomfortable with praying aloud about such intimacies, and moaned by my husband’s and my aching hearts.