sidelined

So I did it. I said no to money. Well, not actually real money that someone would be handing me- for free. It was money that I would have to work for. I wanted to say yes. I had already spent the money 50 ways.

I had to say no.

It all started when a friend, an acquaintance really, who called to tell me about the business she and her husband were starting. They needed a website- could I do one for them? I met with them and their cronies at my home around the kitchen table with my portfolio within an arms reach should they ask to see it.

The baby sat quietly.

For 10 minutes. At the ten minute mark she decides that she is hungry. VERY hungry. The screaming begins. I desperately try and focus on this business of theirs. I talk a little louder, try bouncing her on my knee to quiet down the agony. This may have only served to titillated, pardon the expression, or create even more ire for her. (Did I mention that 3 of the 5 people in the room were men?) At this point I am thanking God for padded bras that might hide any escaping milk. I excused myself to my laundry folding area behind a door (also known as a family room, not one for my clients to see) and tried to give the blessed child just a nip… a little dab’ll do ya kinda thing. No beans. She SCREAMED when I pulled her away from me. I was sweating it now. They were waiting for me in the dining room. Tick, tick, tick. The woman comes in- offers to walk the baby around- outside. I accept, exasperated. I am annoyed that my dear one, my dearest, sweetest, long-awaited and treasured child is daring to act her age.

It was then that I knew. I was crazy. I simply could not be upset with this cherished child of mine. She knew and was trying to tell me what I was: stark-raving-outta-my-mind-mad to try and maintain this business while homeschooling, having a teeny one, supporting my husbands business, and general household duties with 6 kids not to mention leading a weekly church home group. Like, mama didn’t raise no fool…. SO WHY WAS I SITTING HERE WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I returned to the meeting. Do I disengage now? I decided not now. I would call. Offer to do a small amount to set them on their feet. But no full blown month-long project.

I would not be upset at a baby for being a baby when I was the one who needed to swallow my pride, see the writing on the wall and otherwise extract myself from activities that did not directly contribute to the support and running of this large family.

I guess the business, really the lack there of, but even the possibility of accepting business to turn a profit and learn more about things outside of this home was my last bastion of independence. I like design. I love to interface with people, learn what they need, help contribute to the growth of the business, help them realize a dream. It is one part of my life that has remained constant in the upheaval since kids came. I have invested many years in nurturing this “baby.” I am sad to see another part of “me” pushed to the margins for the family’s greater good. I think of St. Paul when he discusses dying to oneself so that God can grow greater in us. Perhaps this is part of that. Losing that prideful bragging right, But there isn’t time for it now. Later? Perhaps. I can’t help but feel like God may be leading me elsewhere, but it is a handy tool to have in my skill set should I need to call on it later.

In the meantime I will be here, blogging about today, tomorrow and yesterday.