When I was a new mother over 9 years ago I was having a conversation with a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) who confided to me that she found that the women who worked outside of the home were “different” from the ones who stayed at home. From her voice there was little doubt that she meant this in a negative way. Knowingly she promised- “You’ll see.”

This conversation occurred about 6 months before I was forced to return to work (30 hours a week) and attend school (full time) to finish my art degree. While I longed to be at home with my babies, I had just spent a grueling 10 months with twins as a single parent (though admittedly with a great deal of assistance from my mother) and must say that going back to work seems like a bit of a vacation. True, it was exhausted commuting and keeping the various plates spinning, but it contributed to my superwoman desire to “do it all.” I did feel a little guilty when I took pleasure in my work, constantly feeling like I “should” be at home with them. It felt unnatural and almost irresponsible that I was having someone else was raising my children. I really only had about 4 hours a day with them- and not the pretty bask-in-motherhood moments. We rushed to daycare, we rushed home from day care, we rushed dinner and baths, and then it was bed time.

Periodically I would see this woman and wonder, what was it that made the SAHM different from me? As time passed I was regretful of different things I was missing or missed having input on- I was envious of the day care mom’s insights into my toddlers’ life, bristled at the concerns she was having for them that I had not wanted noticed by anyone but me, cringed at a few of the movie choices that were shown to their innocent eyes without my input. Was this what I was missing? I wanted to have it all- and I could, but there was a cost. To gain financial stability I traded a loss of intimacy of my children’s days and ways. I have to give up on the small battles (food choices, questionable t.v. content, control of nap times) so that the bigger picture of quality day care was achieved. I had no choice. I HAD to work. I had a good situation with the day care. I had an excuse to pursue my own selfish desires too.

I met an amazing man, we married, I was able to cut back working to a flexible schedule that allowed me to work from home 1 day a week, and ultimately was able to resign. Suddenly I was home. All day. I maintained a freelance business for a period and enjoyed the novelty of being at home in the daylight hours during the week. I drove the kids to school and back, did homework with them, shopped and was available to my whole extended family. My prayers had been answered- all the things I had wished for became a reality.

Then I knew. I realized what the woman had talked about how SAHM are different. I knew what I had been missing. It was the crestfallen face of my daughter being harshly dismissed by a friend. It was the burst of joy over the loss of a tooth- not the end of the day report told with a bit less enthusiasm. It was me not being irritated over traffic and being preoccupied rather with how we could navigate our evenings as a family in a graceful, peaceful and intentional way. I was no longer schizophrenic in my thoughts. I could do the 15+ jobs that all mothers do- at home. Not from multiple locations. Not feel guilty having to leave work early to pick up my sick child from school, and then feel guilty for feeling frustrated at having to leave things at work half-done. My loyalties and devotions were to one place- my home and family. My energies were directed singularly. It was liberating. I felt free.

Women exist in a conflicted time- this is already well documented. For those who work outside of the home by choice there are many questions. Am I a selfish mother if I choose to work instead of spending my time raising my children? How much money is enough? If I dare to leave will I ever be able to return? Do I use my God-given gifts to pursue the things that I was doing before I had children that were worthy endeavors?

For the woman who chooses to stay at home there are equally tough questions, in part because her work is often (from the worldly point of view) not considered worthy of note. (My favorite question: “What DO you do all day at home??”) Now that I am at home I sometimes miss the work I was doing, the enervating conversations I had with intellectuals, the “beat” of the downtown to which I was part, the ability to actually finish a project. The nurturing work in the home is never finished. The little souls entrusted to us are always needy. It is not tidy, this lifestyle. I did not have an end-of-year review where I could report all my good jobs to get a raise. I don’t regret my decision to stay at home. I could never trade this life for my old working in the city one. I don’t want to miss the first laugh from my baby, the way the light shimmers over my daughter’s hair in the afternoon, the ability to serve my family with a whole heart and not be divided constantly pleasing a host of people.

One thing I have learned- the woman at home and the one who works outside the home needs to find her value and approval in our Maker- in Him alone- to have peace.