10 Years Ago...
1. I was 21 and getting ready to go to art school after leaving a large school in Virginia
2. had moved back home
3. In a sad place emotionally and feeling lonely
4. waited tables for cash
5. excited to finally really do art with people who knew it
6. didn't trust God or know that he wanted me to know Him

5 Years Ago...
1. I had twin 3 year olds who were darlings…
2. I had just met the man of my dreams and we were “telling people” that we were getting married in October
3. I was getting to know 3 sweet children that I would soon be sharing my life and home with
4. God loves me!?? Still coming to that realization...
5. I was very involved in my church community and played bass in the band
6.Loved doing graphic design, hated leaving my babies to be cared for by someone else


Yesterday...
1. couldn’t sleep after being awakened to nurse at 5 am
2. baked a caramel cake from Maya Angelo’s recipe book- had it iced by 7:30 am
3. Got 6 kids dressed and went to church- all 8 of us sliding into a pew
4. Drove in a landboat with my husband at the helm to see his grandparents in Pennsylvania
5. hurriedly nursed a baby off of interstate 95 in the front seat during a potty stop
6. spoke with a woman in her 80’s who inspires me to be kinder, gentler, more loving- not to worry so much about my selfish goals for this life but to think eternally



Snacks I Like...
1. Favorite all time late afternoon snack: chip and salsa with a side of negro modelo beer (bonus with my guac. if I have made it)
2. crackers with mayo and cheddar cheese
3. veggies with dip
4. smartfood popcorn
5. dark chocolate
6. cup of creamy coffee
7. smoked or wasabi flavored almonds

5 Songs I Know All the Words To (there are so many for Opera in the car time, but here are a few…)
1. Closer to Fine- Indigo Girls
2. Reedemer- Nicole C. Mullen
3. Gambler- Kenny Rodgers
4. Steve Miller, Crosby, Stills and Nash- all of them I feel like!
5. A tisket a tasket- Ella Fitzgerald

If I Had A Million Dollars....
1. pay off house and school loans
2. save for kids college (of course at this point there would not even be enough money for this… after including #1)
3. addition on the house
4. travel to France for a few weeks of love with my husband

5 Things I Would Never Wear...
1. Plaid pants
2. shaved short hair
3. any graphic alluding to death or guns
4. fluorescent shorts
5. hose with open toe shoes


Favorite TV Shows...
1. Anything on HGtv
2. The Bernie Mac show
3. Underwater documentary type shows
4. Travel channel
5. ER (long ago when it was good, ditto for Friends)

The air is soft with humidity. This week marks the turn toward fall that you wouldn’t know if you were only looking at the temperature gauge- you need to use your ears. When you exit the house in search of a little peace you find that you have entered a large scale, almost deafening performance. The crickets are screaming in the August air tonight. If not for the crickets I don’t think that I would believe the calendar that it is already the end of summer.

It’s been one of those days when I wish I had seventy more hands to pair with at least half of all the hats I wear. My feeble mind simply cannot keep up with all that is going on, has gone on, and I can only barely consider what WILL go on in just a few short weeks. To think that again I will be teaching and caring for a newborn is almost more that I can handle- at least from this vantage tonight. But tomorrow brings another morning full of possibilities (and hopefully not too much chaos).

I am in need of encouragement for this homeschooling thing. I am both excited and anxious about the continuing of a very difficult thing. I don’t doubt that this is not for everyone- I question how God thought us suited to do it. But He did, and we are.

In the sunlight
in the kitchen
on an ordinary afternoon
a man and a baby greet nose to nose

no “spectacular spectacular”
no unique verbiage exchanged
but the look of love
and the response in kind; smiling

a dream is realized
a circle unbroken
God’s great gift to me
Tiny, daily moments of shining clarity

A prayer raised to heaven
A hope whispered loudly
Little-girl words asking of God
Big-time requests for a new sibling

From mother to daughter
From father to son
Faith embraced and passed carefully
In tiny moments over any ordinary day

This compiled over the week past my due date:

You Know You’re Overdue When:

At the O.B.’s office your aim into the cup is dead center

You use your insurance card so often that you attempt to use it as a debit card at Target by mistake

You waste no time in making shoe selections for the day: you are limited to the 2 pairs of flip flops that barely fit…

You eye all weather reports with temps above 70 degrees as WAY too hot…

Your maternity clothes are all too tight

You choose clothes at night for the following day just in case you go into labor over night

Every morning you wake up and think “Well, last night wasn’t the night- it MUST be today!!”

Your bag for the hospital mysteriously starts to creep closer to the front door

Your incoming phone calls and emails all begin with “Have you had the baby yet???”

Your bathing suit leers at you from the depths of the closet

You feel entitled to chocolate at breakfast, and every other meal

You no longer feel vaguely guilty about purchasing 2 pints of ice cream at a time

You start to remember all the bizarre baby names and their meanings without trying hard

While at the ob you bump your belly on the vertical stand of the scale

You read and reread what signs of labor are just in case you’ve missed it…

You convince yourself that you ARE indeed in labor… just like last week…

back

One day, I will not be as exhausted as this and will be mourning the loss of infant sized clothing. Today, however, is a tired day, a full and fullfilling day, but one where I stare longingly at my pillow and desire a re-introdcution.

I think it might go something like this:

Me: Hi- my name is Tired Mom- I couldn't help but notice you from across this crowded room- I'd really like to cuddle up to you- if that is okay with you, that is.

Pillow: Hiya- I'm flattered- really- it's just that those circles under your eyes- well it put me off a little, and, like- when was the last time ya did your hair? Brushed your teeth? Sorry- but there are other sweeties I would rather have cuddle up to me....

Me: but like- you don't understand- I am a crazed mom of a newborn- like I NEED YOU- like I've never needed anything before- disregard my exterior- I would sleep solidly if not disturbed!!

Pillow: But your're the kind that gets up in the middle of the night- walks around- talks in strange sounds, keeps checking on small people for breathing like somkinda manic- you are SO not my type- heck, you are even inclined to jam me under your elbow to help you breast feed! Like- dude... how rude.

Me: You're right, I am not your type... maybe in a few weeks I will introduce myself again...

wild roses

a sweet fragrance
lingers in the air
my thoughts linger on a time
when wild roses bloomed.

it seemed just yesterday
a clearer picture could not be painted
when my heart was given
during the time of the rose

wild and rambling it was
rooted, and abundantly chaotic
full of both brambles and beauty
we gorged ourselves on infatuation

drunk on each other,
“obsessive” too kind a word
we feverishly, passionately
discovered one another

agonizing and enthralling
delicious love bloomed alongside the roses
reason and candor be damned
nothing could stop the buds from bursting forth

passing years do not still
the butterflies roused upon
detection of the sweet, musky scent
of the lovely, wild, roses

wishing for beach time...

I am crazed to get to the beach for some reason! I guess I am in need of a little perspective building- I have been a wee bit caught up in my own microcosm of homeschool, baby to come, bible studies, design work, household management and relationship building with all the many loves of my life… NOW I WANT BEACH! To make it even worse I have been listening to the waves on a sound machine of all things and actually pretending that I am there… hahahahahhahhhahahahahharrrharrhar! Silly girl… I had actually entertained ideas of heading to the beach around this time when I wasn’t aware of how pregnant I would feel. Now I realize what a farce it is to be too far from the hospital. I’ve included some pics from when I lived briefly in Hawaii… I miss the beauty of the people and nature… there is also one from when my awesome husband and I were in LA of Santa Monica Pier from our hotel room... love the left coast...

porch swingin'

forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing
hand holdin’
dream rakin’
swingin’ on the swing

today was mighty busy
‘morrow promises the same
but at the end of each day
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

somethin’ ‘bout the porch swing
quiet as can be
don’t interrupt the night dreams
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

draw me close to warm me
close to my sweetheart I will go
my heart thrills and settles in
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

everything is possible
the breeze teases in our ears
our child large inside me
forward
backward
swingin’ on the swing

visual musings...

It really struck me today what a miracle this world is- that God designed the plants to come up at just the perfect time, that the seasons changing, even if only subtly, are so important to we humans who need to mark their lives within a recognizable framework. Lovely. Every day I am able to grow in confidence and defendable certainty that this life we are given is no accident or a mere mixing of chemicals at a coincidental point in history. God designed this creation with us in mind and for our use.

We did some earth day activities today, one of which where we made rubbings of different tree barks. Such amazing fingerprints for each tree- each unique and magnificent. We incorporated some leaf rubbings as well. Leaves have got to be one of my favorite artifacts in nature.

My daughters just love to be part of the outdoors. They learn experientially the best, so while it is difficult for me to gauge exactly what they have “gotten” out of the different activities that we have participated in, I know that in the very least they have a physical memory and appreciation of where they did it. I am blessed to be such an integral part of these amazing creature’s lives…

It is easy to go overboard with earth day and start to espouse things on global warming that are way over even most adult’s heads. To be free of public schools and the scripted discussions is a wonderful thing, to NOT have my words mimic the prevailing political stance or counter stance on hot topics is key to why we school at home. That said, it is sometimes tempting to use that same language simply to “teach,” forgetting that until that hierarchy in learning is achieved, where the children will be able to make a decision based on the merits of the argument of their own volition, they will just be meaningless words. I have gotten so critical of what I read in the newspapers, on-line and on seen tele programming. I am so distrustful of media in the last 5-10 years as I have gained a bit of personal widom.

Oh to climb a tree again
For the very first time
The unexpected vantage point
The sway and the incline

The rough bark beneath the hand
The open air below
New bugs to meet and sky to see
Careful to move very s l o w

Oh to climb a tree again
The freedom from the ground
Never to see the world the same
A higher perspective found

dirt from the great outside
(from the inside)
not wanted
a filthy windstorm conveys

trying not to get polluted
or dirtied
or sullied
trying to keep clean

my only shield, my protector
as close as I wanna be
watches, waits for me to see
the stained cloth I could cling to

my attention wanders away
no broom that sweeps
no magic Clorox spray
slippery hands grasp things (slip away)

the world glitters and seduces
sparkles and blinds
dazzling sites, sound
caressed pupils widen- ears go deaf

the Living Word only-
sanctifies, revives
cleanes, purifies
all others are stiff bottomless cold lies

His: unsearchable truths
to detox and preserve
to knit and secure
so close- within my hold and my embrace

struggling, struggling as humans do
washing, scrubbing
grasping, pulling
when only His wash and fold will do

on my own, by my own device
smells of rubbish
decay and of death
But He has called me by name-

and washed me white as snow

blueblog/happier things

Easter is here and I am just so exhausted- I have yet to get out the Easter baskets, I am completely distracted by the thoughts of tender shoots of green exploding from the earth- BUT NOT IN MY GARDEN yet because I have not decided what and how to include the beauties in my life with my budget, there is so much to do around the house, so many bible studies to follow along with, so many decisions to make… I am like a huge piece of toast­‑ crispy, dry and lifeless… well until you look at my stomach and see it burgeoning over the normal waistline and realize that I am like 8 months prego… no wonder I am exhausted. Of course I know that the exhaustion will really kick in when the sweet one makes her appearance. Ahahahahah. The irony of life.

Reminds me of a song.. these are a few of my favorite things...listed:

holding hands
watching birds at the bird feeder
margaritas and guacamole
eating al fresco
sitting on my porch swing
sunflowers
the feel of hardwood under my feet
opening the shades in the morning
Chinatown in new york
going to art museums and finding a new artist to follow
seed catalogs in February
babies moving inside my body
sipping red wine while cooking
blues women souling out
zydeco
dancing like a maniac
driving through Louisiana at night over the bayou
French movies
watching children at the playground
the beach- all beaches
jogging through coffee fields
teaching about science to my dds
farmer’s markets
the smell of coffee
homemade bread with butter
fiction based in other lands
researching- love it
HGTV
new sketch book
sharp pencils
new crayons
a gazillion sock in the kid’s drawers- matched and clean
being surprised by a rainbow
church bells
feeling protected
scripture jotted on scraps all around me
british slang words
long hair
scratchy beards
broken-in jeans
old letters
old ladies with red lipstick
talking to old men
asking about people’s lives
reading about how people lived long ago
learning a new instrument
finding a new words
Chotchi
haircuts
swinging high into the sky to touch the clounds
walking after dinner
unexpected guests bearing gifts
God’s providing for us always
ladies sitting around talking about women’s things
planning trips
travel guide books
poetry slam books
historical African American fiction
playing with beads
lurking on other’s blogs
the smell of lavender
clean sheets
unexpected kisses on the neck
perfectly painted toenails
a dog who is always happy to see you
finding parents committed to serving God and dedicated to their kids
anything in Kauai
sketching new places
braids
buying watercolor brushes
shopping with my daughters at boutiques
hanging out with my mom
watching my children with their grandparents
eating sushi with friends over a long time
getting out sweaters and boots for fall
the smell of leaves under foot
hiking and discovering something new always
God seeking me when I am hiding in my own world
my husband smiling at me
taking off in a plane somewhere
hot, hot showers
hot, hot, coffee with real cream
cutting flowers for the table
setting a table for a fun gathering
picking out pumpkins in October
listening to my dad’s police stories
sailing on the bay
scuba diving and snorkeling and seeing new things
pony tails with ribbons
afternoon romps
listening to my kids talk about Jesus
looking at old pictures
holding babies
spicy food
college towns
yarn stores
seeing a printed design project that I made
planning fun things to do for my family
old cooking gadgets
keeping secrets

ID tags

This evening I had an interesting conversation about how people are so insulated from others in the world physically that they create elaborate virtual personal identities. These may range in scale from their specialized mobile phone ringtone to websites or blogs painstakingly designed all about them, or their vanity car tags and stickers that scream “THIS IS ME!!” Have we all grown out of the practice of interfacing with humans? **(warning of approaching rant)** One of the more annoying things that drives me nuts is the instant messaging on phones that distracts many of the dear -22 crowd from doing the jobs they are being paid for, or driving down the road, or sitting in a room with extended family. Their thumbtyped conversation takes precendence over all these things. They do not need to be social physically because they are doing it within the safety zone of cyberspace. I feel like an old bitty saying these things, but it underscore the egocentric nature of some of the younger crowd that I know. I was the most recently annoyed when the LIFEGAURD at the pool was too busy typing on his mobile to watch the pool patrons he was being paid to oversee.

Some of the most successful things on the market these days are things that need to be customized to be used. The ipod is a good example of this. The medium is the message- literally. Of course Apple does a fantastic job branding it- and it is now ubiquitous as are the accessories that point out who you are- not just the playlist. (What does your carrier look like?) No one wants to look the same as their chum (if you ever physically see them- you see their “branding” via computer screen.) This is such a departure from the cookie-cutter uniformity of the 50’s and early 60’s. I make no judgment of this- only to note that this customization seems an attempt by individuals to answer the “who am I?” in a virtual and material way through customization or personalization. People can recreate who they are- through their STUFF. People still desire community- as shown through the massively multiplayer online games, the solidarity behind a brand (Mac vs. PC), or their connection to an organization. The thing is, there are few in my generation who would pledge allegiance to the civic or church organizations that my parent’s generation did. Is there a fear of looking to dorky, or campy or “do-goody?”

This tangent has a destination- namely is this generation valuing how they look on their myspace page more how they contribute positively in the physical world? Are the opinions of their online community more important to them then their contribution to society generally speaking? It is no mistake that I post this on a blog… It is the modern day soap box or diary. Indeed I chose a design that I felt was suitable to the image I wished to portray, I chose images to populate the site, it is an originally work and really no different than what I describe above. I really don’t care too much who views my musings. I will not derive my “self-worth” from how others respond (or don’t) to my posts. This is so because I know who I am in Christ and a blog is simply a more convenient, albeit less private form of a journal.

Acts of Service

While soaking in some of my husband's love this line came to me...


We are all like little “sonflowers”- every loving act given to us, like rain, emboldens and fortifies us to reach closer to the Son.

God works it all out- he is so good. We have a few members of a band staying with us for the next few days. As always we are blessed as we open our home. Tonight at church I was watching a woman in front of me just reach out and love on 2 homeless women who were staying at the shelter our church was providing. Tearfully I was praising God for her love, and for the fact that these women made it to the service to rock out with the band while they stayed here. I can’t imagine not having a home… Every day I walk around this house of ours in wonder at how God has provided for our growing family.

This week in the local paper there was an article about a Girl Scout troop that meets with their moms in the penitentiary. Every Saturday the girls run to their moms that can’t tuck them in at night, or make sure that they have eaten right but meet and do crafts and have a snack. I love that they can have a semi-normal thing like meeting once a week for scouting within an otherwise bare and hostile environment. I was so saddened to hear that the son of a close friend of my husband’s family violated parole and is now serving a sentence for the next 7 years. His son will be 15 when he is released… What a tragedy. I hope he can make a way to continue his relationship with his family.

2nd year past

Another year was survived with the memory of our heaven-resident child. I sensed the date rather then knew it. It was a physical memory. 2 years have past. Though I didn't realize the date I felt a deep sadness. This year a bit easier than last, as the cliché regarding time goes. It is a raw pain, however, and comes up at unexpected and often inconvenient times. I am often surprised by the depth of pain… One tends to think that after a period of time the pain would net be as acute. Perhaps it is that it is not as persistent. One day I shall meet her. The children speak of her several times a week. Interesting the effect of lose of a sibling on those left in this reality. Our family has discussed the advantage of being the first to meet her and would we recognize her? Of course God, the God of details, has all that worked out for us and it is comforting to know that we do not have to be plagued by worries as the writer queried "Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" In the scripture it says that we will have new bodies in heaven. They also ask whether she will look like an adult or remain a baby. Leave it to children to wonder about things that can only be dreamt as no eye has seen those wonders.

I ponder if the reason I can't seem to name the dear one in my womb is because of the name that still haunt my thoughts as the "best" one I could think of. Today I am at 26 weeks. There is now a good chance of survival now, even if she were to arrive today. Amazing grace. That I am here in this way. Prayer has carried me here. Prayers whispered on the lips of children, spilled forth from cracked old lady’s lipsticked lips, prayers spoken in the clipped way of men uncomfortable with praying aloud about such intimacies, and moaned by my husband’s and my aching hearts.

Possibilities

A different scent has invaded the air so different from snow- spring! This spring for me, as a previous spring 8 years ago, holds a great deal of significance. There is a striking difference in me during the shared season separated by years. I am such a different person since my first borns. I am grateful that I am not the same after almost a decade! I think I have a bit more knowledge, am a bit more wise, know my shortcomings much better, am more humbled more frequently. And I have love. Lots more love. Praise God for that. Praise God for my dear husband without whom I would feel lost and who loves me in all of my many seasons. I feel like with love in my heart all things are possible. Matthew 19:26 . I feel like I am actually able to receive and give. I love love!

Spring and I are in synch with each other. As my body ceases to successfully conceal the little life within it so do the trees also shed any appearance of finality, but rather take on a look of significance and anticipation- a new beginning. Buds are blushing and swelling on the ends of branches, promising to burst forth at a time in the future. While these appearances promise and look ahead to a time in the future I am also aware of the importance of staying in the present. There are so many things that involve my presence in the present! I am also aware of how radically everything could change with a baby in the house after such a long period of time with older children. I pray that God is sowing seeds of patience and forbearance in my heart for that time of transition. I think specifically of our youngest and her status and enjoyment in being the baby of the house. I think also of one of our dear ones so concerned that this new sister may not resemble her. How exciting to see the plans that God has for our family!

The Show Must Go On

Detour
Left
The stage is over there
Quick
We must make the 4th Act (the 4th Act? Why so many Acts! How many more?)
If we are not present the show cannot go on


Exit
Missed
The orchestra whines on
Deafening
Stop. Silence fills the darkness (SILENT? Is that even possible?)
A single violin screeches, s c r e a m s

Passenger
Captive
Now a dramatic pause,
Mask On
Back at the 2nd Act (Hadn’t we progressed to the 4th? Where is the program?!)
Meaningless dialog

Lights
Blinding
Darken stage, house lights up
Bewilderment
Spotlights turn hot on our faces (Now wait just a minute here!! ME?)
Waiting for direction

4 Way Stop
Indecision
What are we to do now?
Direction?
Forced ad lib., symantical errors (what are my lines!??)
What Act are we in?

snow...

It is ironic that after my last post (my perennial distraction of gardens and spring) it snowed almost 18 inches! HA! This morning as I drove away from the house my children were noticing how glittery and sparkling the snow was. Everything in its season has a beauty unique to it.

The day after the dump came on the East Coast the kids (of course) could not wait to get out in it. After the initial drama of getting 5 kids ready for arctic conditions it was fun to watch them wade through snow that came past their knees. One of our sweet ones is sort of a snowman fanatic, so before she even left the door she was out with her carrots, sticks for arms and prunes for eyes. Finally the new sleds were put to use after waiting in the dry garage since Christmas. Unfortunately, the snow was so high they hardly had a chance to use them to their satisfaction. Hot chocolate and grilled cheese was enjoyed by all- especially by those manly shovelers who worked a great deal that day.

One benefit to snow is the incredible illumination that goes on indoors in the mornings from all the reflected light. It reminds me of the bible verse: Psalm 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Mornings after snows when the sun approaches the horizon and goes on to break through in glorious rays- initially rainbow colored this part of the year- is a treat. It makes the cold mornings feel like a special treat.

Speaking of sun, I noticed how much longer it dallies in the sky before retiring for the night. I have to admit how much I benefit from even and extra 15 minutes! I feel so much more energized!